I've been extremely stressed lately and I think I'm starting to put my finger on why. It may seem odd that I'd be stressed at a time like this. I've basically finished both the jobs I took on this summer. I'm done with undergrad. I'm accepted at an excelent law school and my future looks fairly secure. What have I got to worry about? I think I'm worried about where my life is going. I've always been a guy with high ideals, lofty ambitions, and a solid committment to a moral code. I've been pretty happy with this state of affairs for as long as I can remember (with the occasional interlude of temporary insanity). I've been doing a lot of reading this summer about what life is like in law school and as a lawyer. People have told me for years that law school changes you. That you never look at the world the same way again after going through it. I don't think I ever really took this to heart. I just assumed that a legal education would teach me to be analytical and logical, but as a philosophy student, that's already how I view the world. What bothers me is that the reading I'm doing describes people I don't really want to become. They are highly successful but they work like slaves and enjoy highly material lives while completely neglecting the aspects of existence that might be capable of a sustaining real satisfaction. It's all about money, prestige, ego and power. The characters I read about all come across as completely neurotic joyless tools. Most of the real lawyers I've met seem to reinforce image. I haven't been sleeping for a few nights now (in fact it's 2:30AM right now) and I think the reason why is that I know I have the potential to wind up as one of these characters. Material prizes are a tempting lure and they can easily obscure the deeper meaning in life. The cutthroat pursuit of class standing could easily push me over the edge and make me into the standard angry, neurotic new yorker. Heaven forbid I should actually stay in Manhattan after law school. I need to figure out a way to succeed in law without losing myself. If I become rich and powerful but I lose my idealism and all the dreams of my youth what was the point? How can I enjoy any of it? I wish I could find some positive role models to emulate. I guess the old line is true. The 10% of lawyers that are decent people are tarnished by the other 90%. No easy solutions. I'll have to think about where I'm heading. Guess I won't get any sleep tonight either.
