Vagina Monologues

I realized walking home in the rain at midnight from turning in my moot court rough draft why I'm not suicidal. I mean I should be if I were rational. The emotion I experience most is misery and I consider good days to be those that I feel nothing at all. So why not end it all? Maximize happiness and minimize pain as utilitarianism dictates? Because I know deep down that I am the cause of all my suffering and I could end it whenever I want. I could satisfice. I could stop being such a stubborn bastard. I could stop pushing myself so hard for goals that are meaningless and bring nothing but more misery. I could lead a happy, peaceful, quiet life if I wanted. And sure I'm driven and warped to the point that I choose the life of misery. And I could blame others I suppose. Genes and environment. Could blame parents for sending me down the wrong path or expecting too much. Could blame friends for not being more supportive or offering wiser counsel. But really if you dissociate all that from "I" you are left with nothing. If an individual is created by an interplay of genes and environment and you dissociate the latter from personal responsibility or selfness, a half-thing is left. No. It's all my own doing. All the flaws and driving forces in the system are part of me too and I accept that.

Anywayz, on to my day. Stayed up late last night reading Magna Carta so as not to sound dumb in class if I got called on. Didn't get called on for once. Fortunate. Anyway, when I tried to get up in the morning my roomate beat me to the shower. That causes a 20 minute delay every time. Somehow I still managed to get cleaned up and into a suit before class at 9:45. Hard to pay attention though. Need more sleep. A lot more. Printed out resumes and writing samples and references for the interview after class. I don't think it went terribly well. Everyone that interviewed with Katten Muchin Zavis Rosenman had the same feeling. They aren't really hiring 1Ls, just trying to gain name recognition. If they don't hire 1 of the 20 of us that interviewed there I'll be pissed. Went to hear the democratic candidate for NYC mayor speak at lunch and to get free pizza. He was ok. Nothing special. Tried to get work done for con law afterwards. Didn't finish. The reading must be getting longer. Or the reader slower. Couldn't concentrate much in con law anyway. Not enough sleep. I did notice professor Thomas in the back of the room though. Odd. He teaches another con section. Perhaps he wants to know why so many of his students sit in the back of Primus' class :-P Got a rejection from Equality Now in my email when I got home. Lovely. That was my best shot for the summer. I told them I would work free and I had tons of relevant experience. I wonder what the problem was. So much for women's rights. Worked on moot court until it was time to go to the Vagina Monologues at 8. My friends all canceled on me so I went alone. It was an interesting performance, though rather disturbing. They handed out Luna bars at intermission and they were surprisingly tasty. It rained all day. My single friends were all depressed. Valentine's day really can be pretty crappy.  ¶ 8:46 PM